Postpartum Reality

Being a mom is the hardest (and the most rewarding) thing I have ever done.  Sure you expect it to be hard but at least my brain never comprehended exactly what that definition of hard would be.  Now a days health care providers are quick to warn every expectant mother about the possibility of postpartum depression and the general ebbs and flows she may experience.  I never had issues with the depression aspect of it but I do understand those highs and lows.

On one hand you have the most amazing gift in your arms.  This beautiful baby whom you love unconditionally.  That you have waited months for. You are overwhelmed with this blessing.  Feel so undeserving.

Then there's the nights where she won't sleep.  Won't let you lay her down.  Is nursing every hour.  Or not nursing properly.  You're sleep deprived and frustrated.  Tears flow down your face.  You want to give up.

I always felt like such a bad mom in these moments.  I felt guilty for being frustrated.  Guilty for just wanting a few hours of sleep.

Over the last four months I've begun to (finally) realize that this is ok.  That I'm going to have those moments where I am frustrated, tired and just done.  Its what I do in these moments that is key.  Whenever I am at that pivotal moment He reminds me of this little blessing I hold in my arms.  That she needs me.  That this is only a phase.  That we'll get through this.

Having an amazing husband to remind me of these things doesn't hurt as well.  I don't think I have told him enough how thankful I am for him.  For his support.  For not laughing at me when I am crying over the little things.  For always listening no matter the size of the issue.  For reminding me to turn to Him.

Being Mara's mommy is the hardest thing I have ever done but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Every morning I wake up to her little face I am reminded of this humongous blessing she is.  As I write this she has her head buried in my chest and is sleeping peacefully.  The smell of her little head.  Its softness and kissability just brings me full circle.  There's no where else I'd rather be.