Breastfeeding-Where We Are; Where We're Going

I had high hopes when Mara was born.  I wanted to exclusively breastfeed her to six months.  Six months came and went.  Then I wanted to continue to breastfeed her till one.  Well that milestone has come and gone.

I never gave much thought to breastfeeding past one.  Sure I have known people who have.  I don't have any problem with it.  I just honestly didn't think that far.  One month at a time.  One milestone than another.

Now we are quickly approaching 1.5 years and it's funny because now my thoughts are turned toward the end.  I'm not counting each month as another victory but looking at her cues as to when we can slow down.

Mara is a nurser.  She loves it.  She wakes up in the middle of the night for it.  Most people are astonished (namely her doctor) when I tell them she still nurses maybe 5-6 times a day.  What can I say.  I've never really told her no.  I've also never really had her on a schedule.  We've always done things at her pace.

For the most part we've had an amazing nursing relationship.  Despite her initial tongue tie, we've had no issues.  I have had no infections.  She's never really bit me.  I'm pretty sure I have it good compared to many.

Well lately I've been looking to the future.  Looking to the day when we're done nursing.  Sure I love nursing Mara.  I'm so happy that I was able to do this for her for almost 18 months now.  But I just feel like I'm getting toward the end.

She doesn't nurse like she used to.  Those who have nursed toddlers know what I mean.  Some days it seems like I'm more of a jungle gym than a food source.  There's also the issue of teeth.  Sure she doesn't bite me (I wouldn't stand for that) but it's uncomfortable.  She usually clamps down on the top and can sometimes treat me more like a sippy cup than mom.  Despite weeks of corrective work we haven't made much progress.

So here I am feeling slightly guilty for feeling this way, ready to be done, but at the same time not.  I know Mara would keep nursing if I let her.  I know this is still good for her, but I'm ready to have my body back a bit.  I'm a tad nursed out.

Sure I'll miss it.  I'll miss the nursing cuddles and looking down into those eyes.  I'll miss how fast nursing cures all and how easily it makes Mommy trump Daddy ;)

All this said I know we're not quitting today or tomorrow.  I think it's going to be a much longer process than that.  We may be looking at months but that's where we're headed.  In my ideal world she would wean herself.  I KNOW that's not going to happen so we will continue to try to cut back.  See how she does.

*Sigh* it's kind of hard to leave this chapter.  Watch it start to close. But I think in the end it will be best for all.